Sunday, December 12, 2010

Da Art of Storytelling Part '10

"To the Honest Man,

I don't hate Black Mamba but I pity the fool" - The Sports Guy

The Honest Man is an avid reader of Bill Simmons, better known to Sports Junkies as the Sports Guy. If you're unfamiliar with him, he offers a hilarious take on sports often citing 80s movies references to emphasize his points. And while technically he is a sworn NBA enemy of mine by being a Celtics fan, I look past his Kobe hate and accept him for what he is....a funny ass dude.

He wrote a book recently called "The Book of Basketball: The NBA according to the Sports Guy." I've said this many times to friends and I'll use the word again. Fascinating read. Just fascinating. Dude was hitting all kind of points to the point you are repeatedly saying to yourself "Damn this dude is right!". So anyway was part of his promotional campaign, he did a tour of book signings across the US.

Just so happens he came to Texas this weekend. I was planning to go solo and get my hardback signed but the Honest Wife had other plans. She asked me earlier in the day if I was planning to take one of the kids with me. Mental thought was HELL NO but outside words were "I had not planned on it but if you want me to, I guess I can take one." If you aren't following this is the initial grounds of psychological battle to see who wins. It should be noted my youngest kid is a busy body and just gets into shit. Not a bad kid but he just wants to touch everything in sight. And that's who the Honest Wife wants me to take with me. Took a bookstore. With tons of everything. So he can get into shit when he gets bored. She even throws in "Well you can take the stroller, put him in it, and also take a pacifier in case he gets rowdy." You see how she did that America? Just straight laid it out so it's impossible for me to outwardly say "Hell no!" So with that in mind I lay down saying let me get some rest for the improbable fun....Bad sign #1.

The book signing was scheduled for 4pm. I called Borders at noon to get an idea of what time I should get there. They told me 3pm since they will be giving out color coded wristbands and lining folks up by color. Of course the catch is they tell me over the phone that I will have to purchase his revised paperback (I have the original hardback) and that's $18 to get the wristband. I'm going, not gonna happen. So they say in that case it's first come, first serve. That's bad sign #2. After that "fun" call, like I said, I laid down and meant to take a quick nap. I woke up at 3:30 :-(. Borders is 20 miles or 30 minutes from my house. I'm not dressed, my kid is not dressed, I'm helping my wife and the other kid get dressed so they can leave, etc. By the time it's said and done. It's 5pm. Bad sign #3. My wife even throws in, I don't expect ya'll back until 8 or 9ish tonight. Great! C'mon son, let's see if you can set record time for displaying your displeasure for being bored.....

We get to Borders about 5:30. As the Honest Wife suggested, I put my kid in his stroller BUT kept the pacy in coat because I'm like you too big to be sucking on some damn pacifier. We get inside and that line is literally wrapped around the bookstore. I took a quick glance and it looked like 100-150 people are in line. Keep in mind the joint started at 4 so that means shit was probably out of control at 3pm. Great, I'm bracing for the worst, already asking God to bless me and the boy with patience. Add in that we literally are the last people in line AND we so happen to be in the kid section AND my son starts freaking out over a Dora the Explorer Christmas book, you can imagine what my facial expression looked like. If you're keeping count, that's Bad sign #4....

About 5-10 minutes into standing in line, a worker walks up and goes "Sir do you know you can go to the front of the line because you have a toddler. We know it's hard on kids so are allowing those with infants and toddlers to go the front. You just need to purchase the book." I showed her my hardback and re-emphasized I'm not buying another book for just 2-3 more new chapters and she goes fine but you have to spend at least $5 on something to get a wristband and go to the front. Just so happens that Dora book my kid freaked out over was $6.99. 5 minutes later and $7.57 less (tax included), we literally walked up to the front on the line. The lady was like oh yes as soon as this person finishes, you are next. ARE YOU SHITTING ME??? All because I brought my kid who I originally did not want to take?? After exchanging hellos, the above signature that kicked off this post is what I had the Sports Guy sign in my book (SIDE NOTE - I was expecting more dialogue but dude commentated the Heat-Warriors game the night before in Oakland, then flew to Dallas for this so he was visibly tired. I didn't mind b/c he should be exhausted).

I was out of Borders by 6pm. I was back home at 6:30. I called Realist, Gangsta D, the Honest Wife, my inlaws, the world because I was that excited!! I told the family, look we broke as shit but you know what, for all the good that came to me today, daddy's waving the beans and rice for tonight, you can have pizza...with meat!! My kid is a huge Yo Gabba Gabba fan so when we got outside, I told him "Son having kids is AWEEEESSSOMMEEE!!" in DJ Lance voice.

Today's Lesson

For all you marks tripping about having kids and dealing with them, I guarantee you that about 50 of those cats last night were like damn I wish I had a kid. Shoot I'm still thanking God as I write this for hooking me up. Big ups Sir, Big Ups indeed.....

"You better go and get, the hump, up out your back now
It's about four, or five, cats off in my 'Llac now
We just, shoot, game in the form of story rap now
It's like that now, it's like that now"

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