Thursday, April 30, 2009

Blame it on the al-al-al-al-alcholol Part 2

"She does know that Jesus converted water to wine right?!?!" - Gangsta T

Ok, I've come down from music crack addition to "Blame it" by Jamie Foxx but when I hear the song, I find myself reminiscing over certain incidents where that song title is a perfect match. Today's story isn't about me but about an acquaintance of mine that had her own "Blame It" moment.

1999. Houston. I've been Mister Corporate America for about a year and a half at this point. Back in the day, the Honest Man was out on the social scene. I think I knew of a spot to kick it at every day of the week back then. Anyway one of the spots that was the place to be in the know was Birraporetti's. Not just any Birraporetti's mind you, but the one of West Clay Street. The day to be there was Tuesdays because every Tuesday they served free pizza (from 4-7pm) and had $1 Bellini's. Yep, guess where I had dinner like every other Tuesday. My motto then (hell still is), if it's free then it's for me.

Anyway, my road dog during that time was Gangsta T. He went to Morehouse with me, he trained me in the Jedi ways of drinking and he was like me, just down to something. Since we both worked downtown and the spot was like 10 mins from work, that was our Tuesday post up spot. Now when I first got to Houston, it was hard to get the peeps to do anything. Folks talking that weak shit about getting enough sleep for work, only want to hang on Fridays and Saturdays. Crab ass people, we wuz like fuck 'em, we going to do us and still show up to work on Wednesdays like a G (which we did, truss NOBODY in Houston had anything on us then).

Well after numerous rejections by folks to hang, I don't know if it was the weather, the bonus money, or my fly clothes but all of a sudden, we started to get crowds to roll with us to the spot. I should point out that even before we had people roll with us, Birraporetti's was THE place to be on Tuesdays. All the corporate Negroes were in the building and usually you could find yourself on the right end of the conversation with someone you wanted to holla at. Anyway, I digress, that's not the point of this story...

Like I was saying, we finally got people to start rolling with us on Tuesdays. One co-worker in particular decided she wanted to hang with us and see what the fuss was about. She was roughly the same age as us (just 1 yr older than T, 2 than me) and was from the Southeast too. The big difference was that she was heavily into church. This would factor greatly in what I'm about to say next.

So we get there, the 3 of us get our table, decide to take advantage of the pizza before the hungry hippos ambush and leave nothing but crumbs. While we eating, we just talking about everything from living in Houston compared to our homes, working for our company, etc. After about an hr, you know us Jedi Knights are starting to twitch because our throats are parched. She asked us what were going to drink and we gave her the huh look like are you serious. We roll with those $1 Bellinis pimpn. Anyway, we ordered one round, T paid, and we were cool. We chatted some more, then order another round, which old girl paid for.

I don't know what happened between that first round and second round because all of a sudden, she started tripping after she downed her drink. Out of nowhere started spurting she committed a sin or something and had to go to Church asap to repent. She literally got up seconds later and left. Gangsta T looked at me, I looked at him, we both went "What the fuck?", proceeded to order more drinks, laughing our asses off like tell me this isn't really happening :-)

The next day, I stopped by her office to ask what happened and she mentioned that the devil's nectar had gotten to her and she had to stop before she did something she didn't want to do. I was like oooookkkaaay. T said it best. "She does know that Jesus turned water to wine right?!?!?". Blame it on the al-al-al-al-alcohol indeed.

Today's Lesson

I guess she had to blame it on the bellini that got her going dizzy because she RAN out of that spot. At least she didn't come at us with bible verses and/or call us sinners. But I was leery of asking her to roll with us to future happy hours LOL.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Honest Man Reviews GI Joe

The Honest Man grew up during the Golden Era of cartoons aka the 80s. That's when shows like Transformers, He-Man, Voltron, Jason and the Wheeled Warriors ruled my life. They were so dope that many of them are either making millions right now as a live action franchise or are planning to launch as one. It's sad b/c I look at my kids' cartoons and go this is some old bullshit. They are rehashing series (SpiderMan, Ninja Turtles) and selling to kids like it's new. It's like that episode in the Wire where Stringer decided to change the caps on the product from blue to red to increase sells. He didn't change the product mind you, just gave mofos the perception he did. That's what the braintrust at these cartoons are doing to my kids. Fuckers....I digress

One of my favorites was GI Joe. Yea, it didn't matter that supposed battles between America's Team and Cobra yielded no bloodshed and no fatalities in any episodes. It didn't matter that promoted racial profiling to the fullest (Hello Quick Kick). The show was pure unadulterated hot shat. My boy, the good Rev Dr, recently hipped me to Cartoon Network relaunching the show. It's been rebranded as GI Joe:Resolute and will join their mature audience cartoon lineup via Adult Swim. Attached is the link for the 5 min online episodes.

Adult Swim Link

The Honest Man peeped the movie over the weekend and was like damn the writers were like this isn't your 8 yr old Honest Man's GI Joe, this is the grown Honest Man's GI JOE. Major Bludd lying in a pool of his own blood in the first 2 mins? Bazooka coming up dead with a cigarette in his mouth (where the hell was Mutt???)?? Zartan catching a bad one from Duke?? BIG BIG Ups from me

I was hoping they bring back those 2 minute segments they used to do at the end of the cartoons where the kids are doing something stupid like cooking while they mama isn't home and end up burning down the house. But in the grown Honest Man's GI Joe, those kids are cooking crack in the back, then Roadblock busts in like "Yo What the Fuck are you bitches doing!??!" and the kids get scared like "Oh shit it's Roadblock"....

Today's Lesson

The Honest Man STRONGLY endorses this cartoon. You better watch or I'mma send Snake Eyes to your house like he was sent to Storm Shadow's house and cut you up like he cut those fools up like swiss cheese.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Ashton Kutcher

"You just got PUNK'D" - Ashton Kutcher to various celebrities after a prank

I know, I know, the Honest Man has deprived the loyal following of some good reading materials. The Honest Man has honestly been tired trying to adjust to doing the bidding of Corporate America during the day and watching my youngest kid during the night. If my job isn't sweating me about a deadline, then it's my son flipping out because he's hungry. Yea I know, you're like whatever dog, stop all that whining and just do your job :-).

Anyway, today's story focuses around my oldest son. When his brother was born, my oldest, TC, was expectantly jealous. He was throwing more tantrums to get attention and the People's Angry Stare wasn't having the same effect on him like it used to. However, thanks to the Honest Man doing his best Joe Jackson imitation, TC quickly straightened up. So after a few days of good behavior, I decided to reward him by taking him to a local kiddie play center.

If you have kids, you know about the kiddie play center. It's what we parents call a safe haven to let your rugrats wear him or herself out so that they will take a nap when you get home. To kids, it's heaven and a neverending ride of fun, at least until the evil parent says it's time to go. Anyway, I took my son there one Saturday morning, and typical the place is packed fill with equally energized kids and parents like me who say have at it child.

Now you know how kids can be. They will push and run over each other to get to the toys and rides they want. Some do it in a subtle manner where you say to yourself that's just kids being kids. Others do it in a malicious manner where you say if this lil muthafucka's parents don't come get this kid, I'm gonna beat him like he's my own. One particular child fell into the latter category.

TC was riding around in "his" car (I say his because he just took it and refused to share with others) and stumbled upon a play area with a toy wheel and wall puzzles. He got out of his car, ran up to the wheel and puzzles, and started playing. A bigger kid rolled up and also wanted to play with the toy. At first he subtletly pushed TC, but my son wouldn't budge. Then the kid took both his hands and pushed with all his force, knocking my son to the ground. Now I'm protective of my kids, so I quickly stuck my head in the area and sternly told the boy "NO, you don't do that." Keep in mind, I had to play the choir boy role b/c TC and me are the only ones of color at this play area.

When my son hit the ground, he didn't cry, he just looked shocked over what happened. He looked at the boy, then looked at me wondering what should he do. The Honest Man doesn't believe in violence but he ain't raising no punks either so I gave him the following advice. I said "TC, you march right back over there, take your toy back, and tell that boy NO HITTING, NO TOUCHING. I'll be damned if he didn't take my words to heart and did exactly what I said. The bigger kid shockingly backed down as he found something else to play with.

That something else was my son's "car" and TC quickly ran to the car to let the kid know what time it was. TC got in the car first and the bigger kid was trying to push him out. TC was having none of that, held his ground, and was pushing the kid out the car. I was getting ready to step in again when the kid's dad came over there and scolded his son for getting involved. I like to think in my mind, he backed up out of fear, thinking that us po' colored folks might act a fool in here and he didn't want trouble.

Bottom line, real recognize real and that was one of my proudest moments as a father. My son stood up to the bully and made sure he understood he ain't getting punk'd by nobody. (Sniff), I'm gonna cry....

Today's Lesson

Mess with the Honest Man and his clan all you want. We don't take ass whuppins, we give 'em especially when fools start trippin :-)

Monday, April 6, 2009

Songs in the Key of the Honest Man's Life - Ruff Ryders Anthem

It's Monday. What better way to start the week by listening to the King of Pitbulls aka Damn you already angry at breakfast man aka well you get the point. This video made me want to go to prison just to pump weights and join in on bitch beatdowns. Then the video goes off, I look in the mirror, and realize I would be that bitch getting beatdown if I was in prison. WAAAAKE UPPP!!!

DMX - Ruff Ryders' Anthem

Thursday, April 2, 2009

School Daze

"In life, there are times to be quiet, to shut the fuck up. This is one of those times." - Grady (Bill Nunn), taken from "School Daze"

Do you have school pride? You heard the Honest Man's rant about his college in a recent post. I'm proud of where I went to school. No we weren't a sports school like say the University of Georgia, but with a student body of less than 5000, what do you expect? But for whatever reason, you come across the completely ignorant that are always trying to pull yo' card.

The Honest Man has an MBA (yes I izz smart). My class was full of people that I worked with and/or attended a big state school. These schools ranged anywhere from University of Texas to LSU. And as with most people that attend big schools, these cats were big on their sports, particularly football, basketball, and baseball.

I should make it known, growing up in the Southeast, I am a huge SEC football and ACC basketball man. I long for the days of Jefferson Pilot sports, where I would just watch all the conference action for either sport. Now I have to suffer with the local channels and watch this Big 12 bullshit all day e'day (yea I'm a hater). Anyway, my loyalty would be put to the test one day in class.

One Saturday morning, one of my study group members, a UT alumni, is mouthing off about his school playing Arkansas in a football game later in the day. He was going on and on about Arkansas and the SEC being a joke conference. I literally choked on my orange juice when he said it but I was like whatever. The reality was that season, Arkansas was one of the bottom feeders in the conference and UT was one of the elite Big 12 schools. But for the SEC conference remark, I was like I don't know what crack yo mama smoked when she had you but obviously she toked on the rocks too long. I forgot that since he was white that joke would go way oooover his head.

Anyway, fast forward to the game, Arkansas laid a whuppin on UT, in Austin no less. I was grinning ear to ear during lecture, just waiting for break time to pour some salt on his wounds. We get in the break area and I start egging him, like what happened to your boys, what's up with the SEC being garbage. We start going back and forth to the point where he ran out of material and came up with this zinger...'Does Morehouse even have a football program?'. My immediate response was 'When someone from your school gets a holiday named after him, you come holla at me.' Sarcastically, he was like who from your school has a holiday. I go 'Martin Luther King, ever heard of him?', equally sarcastic in tone. That shut that muthaphucka up REAL QUICK.

What kills me about this is that I've been in similar situations where folks like to play that card about my school. Seriously, you want to go into a battle of whose school is better using sports as the basis of your argument. Well if that's the route you want to take, the Honest Man is here, ready and able to verbally disarm you. Fuck a football field, let's take it to where it really matters. Yea you might have a Heisman winner but we got History Makers.

Today's Lesson

I hate to break it to you readers but the Honest Man is smarter than your average negro (Ain't that right Boo Boo!). And for my HBCU peeps, don't worry, I got blog waiting on fact vs fiction on attending HBCUs.

Let today's story be a lesson to all. One, the Honest Man ain't afraid of anybody and Two, Martin Luther King marched so that I could teach the dumb. Poetic Justic is a beeyotch!