Tuesday, December 23, 2008
MERRY CHRISTMAS Readers!! The Honest Man will be taking some well deserved time off this week to spend time with his family. Depending on how stuffed my belly is, I'll either be back on here before New Year's or after I have my bowl of hoppin johns :-)
In the interim, enjoy the cartoon above....
Sunday, December 21, 2008
"Chuuurccchhh's Chiiickkeeennnn" - Kirk Franklin & the Family in the early 90s Church's Chicken commercial
Do you remember the character Reverend Leon Lonnie Love from the tv show Martin? He was a preacher with noticeable flaws :-). One line that I will always remember is when he said he use to be a pimp but now he only pimpeth for the Lord. In some ways he represents some of the false prophets out there supposedly spreading God's message but really all they doing is pimping those good natured Christian folks for their hard earned dollars.
Now let me set the record straight. I was raised as a Christian. In my family, going to Church (and IHOP afterwards) was mandatory. It didn't matter if Mama and Daddy got in late from their Saturday night out, if the family woke up late, if there was no more hot water because my sister used it all up, or if you wanted to eat before Church, YOU WERE GOING TO CHURCH. As an adult, I have been trying to get back in that mode since somewhere between college and now, I stopped going because of my conflicts with some of the church leaders. Some of them I feel are really good preachers, carry a strong message, and portray themselves correctly as messengers of the Lord. Others I feel are no different than a Pimp named Slickback.
For awhile, I have been searching for that moment in Church where that bulb goes off in my head and I go "I GET IT". It's almost similiar to that feeling that Hiro Nakamura from Heroes had when he learns to master time travel and screams YES at the top of his lungs. Unfortunately, for the most part, when I go to Church, my Spidey sense starts tingling that something is wrong and I'm about to get a pimp lecture from the pastor and his associates. Instead of listening to the message, I find myself wondering when I should shoot the pastor with my web slinger, string him up in the air like a pinata, and let the church beat him with a stick to get their money back. And I say most part because I have been to a few churches (most recently Friendship West Baptist Church) and the pastor was phenomenal. Very real, great message, and no appearances of phoniness.
But Lord you have some false prophets on the other hand giving very mixed signals. I attended a friend's Church and the pastor's sermon was about how wrong it was to say Happy Holidays. That's not a misprint. He started off by saying that he got offended at someone for telling him Happy Holidays instead of saying Merry Christmas. Out of all the wrong things to talk about the Christmas season (more emphasis on gift buying instead of celebrating the birth of Christ come to mind), he focused on the phrase Happy Holidays. Now maybe I'm not understanding the message and it may be just me....Naw that's crazy talk, it's all on that dude. But yet I'm supposed to tithe for that. Puhlease, they should wait to pass the basket around after church and let us decide how much we should be give based on the message. "Aw that sermon was worth about a dollar so I'm giving him a dollar." CHUUUCCHHH.
Besides that specific example, you have situations where preachers have been accused of embezzlement, molestation, infidelity, etc but yet these are the folks who are supposed to be giving me the daily Bread of Life. Now true it's on me to do my part and come with an open mind but it's kind of hard to do that when you are staring at someone who's about to be registered as a sexual offender.
I don't know if I need to be less critical of these pastors or not. Lord, I'm definitely one of your Children but Brother Waldini needs a sign. Help me see past the foolishness, the nice suits, the nice cars, and fancy wordplay, and see that you indeed have a message for me. And let the Church say AAAAMMMMEENNNNN.
To quote the "great" Kirk Franklin, Silver and Gold, Silver and Gold, Iiiiii rather have Jesus, than Silver and Gold....Be on the lookout for me at church. I may just do a Terry Tate and knock the pimp out of the pulpit if I feel he's not really representing the Good Word.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
What you thought I was going to have a picture of Michael J Fox :-)? Nonetheless, this is not about movies but about corporate America. I've been working in corporate America for awhile and I've learned a few things along away. And I'm going to give you advice today that I really should be charging you for. So let's get this ball rolling....
You want to know the secret to moving up the corporate food chain. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not working hard. It’s not being the smartest person in your company. It’s an old white man. PERIOD. Not a woman, not man of a different race, but an older white gentleman that sees potential in you. Don’t get me wrong, you can move up the chain without having a white man behind you but trust me, there’s a glass ceiling at the top of the ladder. If you trying to be the CEO or sitting on the executive board, you better seek out Jim Watson and not Jamal Watkins or Maria Rodriguez.
Ok Waldini, so I need a white man? How do I get a high ranking one to put me down? For a woman, it’s pretty simple; you just need to be eye candy. That doesn’t mean you have to sleep with him or get your knees dirty to rise to the top. You just need to be easy on the eyes. But the looks will only get you in the door. You have to prove yourself too so that means putting your brain on display to match your booty. So when you get in front of high powered suits, do more than just show some cleavage. You want Jimmy to be first fantasizing about you before you open your mouth and then be deciding if you should be on the executive board as you do your how this saves the company money spiel. And definitely don’t do something stupid like blow off an important meeting or phone call. That will get you sent back to the minors with the rest of the worker bees and middle managers.
For the men, it can be tricky. Now for young white men, it’s usually a little easier since an old white man will basically think he’s looking at himself when he sees a younger white male. The only way they screw themselves is trying to bite the hand that fed them. For everyone else, you need to take advantage of situations. Normally there are company events where a high ranking white male comes and speaks with the audience. It’s on you to make this your moment and introduce yourself to him BUT also make sure he remembers you. Better yet, do some research on him before you talk to him so that when you do speak to him you can say something like “I’ve always admired you, especially when you did yada yada yada.” And if you’re going to discuss current events, let him dictate what he wants to talk about and adapt the conversation. That shows your diversity. How do I know it works? Because I’m doing it right now. See you at the top.
If you can find one to endorse you, the world is yours. I’m talking about attending events in the corporate suite, getting the down low on organizational changes, rubbing elbows with the power players in the company, and most importantly, watching your bank account grow like you stealing money all at once.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
"Charlie Brown, you BLOCKHEAD!" - Lucy Van Pelt
I was watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" the other night. If you don't remember the story, good ole Charlie Brown is down about Christmas becoming commercial. He seeks guidance and help from the other Peanut members and in turn they make him the director of their Christmas play. They ask him to get a tree, but they clown him, calling him blockhead as usual, until Linus steps up and explains to these jabronis what Christmas is about. In the end, they admit the tree wasn't that bad, spruce it up, and sing those classic Christmas songs.
I couldn't help but think of good ole Kanye West and all the flak he has caught for his recent album, 808s and Heartbreak. Substitute Christmas with Hip Hop, the tree with his album, the Peanut gang with the listeners, Charlie brown with Kanye, and the Honest Man with Linus (you got all that lol). Like Linus never thought the tree was all that bad, just needed a little love, I think Kanye's album isn't that bad, just needs a few more listens.
I'll do the negatives first since that won't take me long. Kanye can't sing. No ifs, ands or buts about it. And no autotuner does not hide his horrible singing skills. On this album he sings 75-80% of the time, only rapping for a few tracks. Does it tank the album? No. Should he do it in the future? Hell no, stick to the script, rapping and producing. Also a few tracks drew a what the fuck from me (Coldest Winter, Pinocchio Freestyle, Bad news). That's 2 beefs but not showstoppers.
For the positives, I can play the first 8 tracks nonstop with skipping. My personal favorites are "Heartless", "Paranoid", and "Robocop". Just great stuff right there. It has a vintage 80s sound with lyrics so cheesy you can't help but like. For example, note the first 4 bars in Robocop
Bout the baddest girl ive ever seen Straight up out of movie scenes Who knew she was a drama queen Who would turn my life to stephen king
Extremely cheesy but after a few spins, you find yourself singing it anywhere. But the point is he isn't afraid to challenge himself and see what's inside of him. He took a page from Andre 3000's The Love Below and ran with it. For the folks who are complaining about the Soulja Boys of the world, I don't understand how you can hate this. You need to shut your trap and embrace this. You don't get too many musical geniuses in hip hop anymore.
Now let me get on my Linus soapbox and explain what hip hop is all about. It is definitely not about just shaking asses, popping open champagne bottles, glorifying the drug game, quoting gangster movies, and fucking multiple hoes. It's about expressing yourself creatively to get across a message to the community. Always has been and always will be. The keyword is creative and I think that's been lost with certain rappers. Some choose to make safe records, following the current trend, and hoping they strike gold with a single or two. Problem is they end up selling themselves short and having a very short lifespan.
Kanye has NEVER been afraid to push his creative boundaries. Yea, I can do without some of his antics but for the most part, dude is a genius. If you don't think so, you belong on the short yellow bus with the rest of musically retarded. He has been refreshing for a genre that's missing it's mojo. You can call me hater if you want but check the record sales. Forget the economy bullshit b/c it was bad in 2002 but records still sold. It's call disposable. The public doesn't want disposable records anymore.
I'm right about Kanye and you're wrong. Class dismissed :-)
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I tried thinking about annoying phrases that dudes say but I couldn't really think of any (shock). However, there are cats out there that do annoy me with some of their mannerisms and actions. And I'm here to set them straight so they can stop the madness
Thing #1 - Buying a woman a drink, expecting something in return, and getting mad when nothing happens
You know the setting. You chillin' at a club, probably holding it down at the bar, and you see a gorgeous female. You think the best way to introduce yourself is buying her a drink, then she will be overcome by your generosity, and poof pow, the digits are yours. Unfortunately this isn't Fantasy Island Tatu, this is reality. And sometimes in reality, it's going to take more than a $4 drink to entice a woman to come talk to you. What's worse is I see dudes get upset, call women "dumb ass hoe or lesbian dyke" and act like they entitled to the phone number. Are you friggin kidding me? You know what fellas, the next time you spend $8 dollars on that Houlihan's meal and she doesn't respond right, just drop her. I mean you did spend a whole $8.....If you really believe this you are indeed a jabroni.
If your game is tight, you don't need to buy drinks to get her to talk to you. Well unless you look like Dennis Rodman but without Dennis Rodman money ;-). And if one female doesn't respond the way you want to buying a drink, then duh try it on another one....
Thing #2 - Hating on another dude for dating a woman you like
This one I really will not understand. You jealous of another dude dating a girl you like but the girl doesn't like you. She likes the dude you are hating on. And nothing's going to change that. Not your $4 drink, your good ass job, etc. Shit just ain't gonna happen. Move on and deal with a chick that does like you Hater...
I remember one time I was dating this chick and a friend of mine was dating her girl. It's important to note we all were friends before any of us started dating. And they were dating before me and this girl. One night we went out as a group, he saw her up on me and I guess in his mind, he decided I wasn't good enough for her. He told another friend of mine that "Waldini don't know what to do with that. I should be in his position." What kind of bitch shit is that?? You got the girl you wanted, what's the problem? If that's the case, you should have chosen the other girl instead of hating because you wanted both chicks. Retarded, I thought females were catty but this incident was on another level.
Thing #3 - Internet Pimping
Technology is a wonderful thing isn't it. Twenty years ago, we had pen, paper, and a phone to communicate our feelings to females. Now in addition to those things we got blackberries and email. I find there are dudes that are using devices and options frequently to holler at females. I'm old school so I believe in the calling you up on the phone (cell phone is acceptable) to spit my game.
I remember at work, a bunch of us went out one night and kicked it. Apparently one of the dudes took a liking to one of the females. After he got her name, he looked up her up on the company address book and shot her an email to let her know he was digging her. Huh? Understand we all worked in the same building and he also had access to her office phone. But he guessed internet pimping would be the right move. WRONG. My homegirl called me to let me know about his "pimping" and further asked what's up with your boy and this email. That wasn't in a positive tone. What was worse, he was telling other cats that he met this dope chick and was making moves.
How do you think this story ended? Well he didn't get those digits and he was cold towards ole girl in the future. But in reality the only person he should have been mad at was himself.
Look in the mirror and honestly assess if you do any of the 3 things. If so, then take this advice courtesy of the great Deebo.. "Smoky stop being a bitch!". Or better yet take Vito Corleone's advice "Be a MAAANNN". If you can't roll with this, then please stay away from me. I'm a happy man that only rolls with happy people.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. That's the biggest understatement in history. Forget the obvious physical differences, the thought patterns are on a different level. And sometimes I truly wonder what women are thinking when they hit you with certain statements. I think they purposely say them to get a reaction. Well at least one out of me :-). Without further adieu, a few phrases or statements I could do without:
Phrase #1 - "Would you like to meet my friend? She's a nice person."
The first thing that pops into my brain when a woman says this is What's wrong with your friend? I mean is she suffering from baby daddy's drama, biological clock winding down, a case of the munchies, comparisons to Chewbacca, etc. If she so nice, how come no one has scooped her up?!?! You need to replace the phrase "She's a nice person" with "My girl is fine" to at least perk a dude's interest. Niceness only factors in during the getting to know you phase....
Phrase #2 - "All my friends are fine!"
This kinda goes with the first statement. Women are funny. They truly believe all of the girls in their inner circle are fine and ones outside the circle are just okay. As a dude, I treat a woman's comment about another woman like credit card offers....I trash them. The true way to determine how fine your girl is to leave her alone in a social setting and see how many dudes make a run at her. If she's getting no love, that means your friend is NOT that fine. Just because you think your mutant is fine Professor X doesn't mean the rest of the world does. So please so trying to use your telepathic powers to convince dudes this.
Phrase #3 - "Oh he's TOO nice"
So let me get this right, you want me to date your friend because she's nice but you won't date my friend because he's too nice. RIIIIGHT. So I guess what he needs to do is smack you in the face, say bitches ain't shit, and you'll come a running right? Puhlease, I don't even know what this statement means and I'm sure you don't either. If you meet or hear about a guy that's church going, has a job, doesn't live with his mama or any of that other stuff you desire, then what's the problem. Oh yea, you like me, you want that person to look good too. It's just I wouldn't use "Oh she's too nice." I'm more like "She ain't on my level."
You gotta luv it. There is no greater conversation than one between man and woman. It's like we are speaking two different languages even though the conversation is in English. Be real about your girls. If she's looks like Beastman from He-Man, then don't push her on dudes. Cuz we as dudes want the chick in the room that looks like Teela (hell we even take Evil Lyn).
Ladies don't worry, there are phrases by dudes that annoy me too :-).
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Network television has not been the same since golden age of the 80s when Cosby Show, Roseanne, Cheers, Family Ties, and others dominated the airwaves. Most of the shows now are copying MTV's reality blueprint and hoping to cash in on the latest, greatest reality idea. You have shows where people get covered in worms for money, strangers backstabbing on each other while living in a house for money, etc. Hell what's next? I tell you what, I'm creating a show called "The Homeless" where people have to be homeless for a month. Whoever lasts the longest gets $4 in change, a free Happy Meal, and most importantly, a LONG shower complete with full scrubbing. You don't think it will make money? I've guess you've never watched any of the VH1 shows.
Television is also in desperate need of originality. There is too much follow the leader and not enough trailblazers out there. Maybe I do not understand the politics behind how a television script or show gets approved but I do know one thing. More and more folks are watching HBO than watching NBC and it's not because HBO shows allow cursing (okay well maybe part of it is). Cable allows writers to be more creative with their thoughts and hence original ideas. Do not get me wrong. Not every show on cable is great (please note my VH1 reference above). But ask yourself this, what are the 5 best shows on network TV? What are the 5 best shows on cable TV? Which side is better? Uh huh, I figured you see things my way.
I'm not going to elaborate on my resolutions because I'm not giving away all my advice for free but I will give you a start. Most males watch a lot of sports, t&a, guns, murder and mayhem. Most women watch home decorating, cooking shows, soap operas, and stories that may you cry. Most kids watch cartoons. If you need more help in figuring what to do, you're in the wrong business, jabroni! Do the math and go make me something that I would watch.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Well the epic concludes for now with this post. Enjoy but don't fret, I'm pretty sure I'll have more Tales of the Logically Impaired.
Oh do not think Waldini only debates with Baby Boomers. I also enjoy ‘conversation’ with members of my own generation. Everyone is different and definitely entitled to their own opinion. But again, I find myself thinking “Are you listening to what you are saying?” and then having to play dickhead mode just to show them how silly they sound.
For example, I was in high school during the Rodney King incident. I remember the day after it happened, I went to school and one of my peers goes “Ya’ll need to let that go.” Interesting, a person gets beat up by 6 cops on camera, the cops go to trial, and the jury decides they are not guilty. Right, simply let that go. Anyway, I ignored that completely ridiculous comment and carried on. But again, here I go to Algebra class and another jabroni starts it back up.
He’s going on and on about King being high on PCP and that’s why the cops beat him. Keep in mind, he didn’t say that Rodney attacked the cops (which he didn’t) or said something derogatory (which he didn’t) to merit that ass whuppin. In his mind, since he did drugs, he deserved the beating. So I said at the parties where you guys get drunk, should you get your ass whupped? Because technically alcohol is a drug and not only are you guilty of underage drinking, you probably will be driving home which makes you guilty of driving under the influence. He gives me the response “well that’s different.” Yea it was different all right. No cop is busting up in your shindig to give you a public beating. Completely stupid but you cannot make this stuff up.
The message here I was trying to get across is just be mindful of what you say and think before you speak. The best way to combat ignorance is with intelligence. And in this case, not a whole lot of intelligence was needed; just plain ole common sense.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
“Man has such a predilection for systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny the evidence of his senses only to justify his logic” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Anyone that knows me also knows that I like good conversation or as others call it debating. At various times in my life, I have debating endlessly with the baby boomer generation on everything from music to comedians to movies to respecting history. I’m an open minded individual so I always like to hear different opinions. However, sometimes certain opinions I hear are just so asinine I have to play devil’s advocate and go into attack dog mode.
For example, one day at work, I remember talking with a baby boomer co-worker about lunch breaks. I don’t even know how we got on the subject but I remember she and her office mate (also a baby boomer) telling me that sometimes they skipped lunch because of work. I emphatically stated that I don’t skip lunch. If I don’t eat then the consequence is that I will probably act an ass because I am hungry. The message I was trying to get across was just let me eat and we all good. If not, then I’m not apologizing for my snappy behavior. Well after I said that, she just looked at me, told me I was spoiled for saying that. She said I was acting like I was too good to skip lunch. Without hesitating, I simplified her comments and said “I’m spoiled because I want to eat. I’m spoiled because I want to eat. So what does that make homeless people? Because they always ready to eat.” If you could have seen the expression on her face, it was the you are a complete asshole look. I kept going and said some folks take cigarette breaks. Some folks take coffee breaks. Others take internet breaks. I take lunch breaks.
Looking back, I was probably offended she called me spoiled and took that comment to heart. Honestly, I wanted to her to understand why she was calling me spoiled. I didn’t say that I refuse to work overtime or on weekends. I didn’t say I refuse to pick up someone else’s workload in their absence. I simply said I want my lunch break. You know something that’s critical to you living like eating.
It was one of those baby boomer versus generation x debates that really was not a debate. We’re talking about eating. Not about say the history of them doing sit-ins so that they could eat at a booth, bar, or table with other folks. So when you call me spoiled, make sure it’s relevant.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. ~Ambrose Bierce
I'm going to hit you with a 3 part epic, all focused on logic. Each piece will focus on different points in my life where logic and common sense had to be used to combat the forces of dumbness. Understand that there are many more situations where I fight for the normal minded but as of today, this is all I can remember :-). Hey, blame it on old age!
Do you remember the infamous Malice at the Palace a few years ago? Quick refresher, it was a NBA regular season game between the Pistons and the Pacers. Pistons player Ben Wallace was peeved at what he thought was a hard foul from Pacers player Ron Artest and pushed Ron. Artest went to the players’ scoring table, laid down on his back, a fan threw a cup at him, and madness ensued. Players fighting fans, players fighting players, just complete chaos.
Anyway I bring this up because the night the Malice happened, I was in my MBA class. A few of my classmates actually witnessed the brawl via the TV breakroom as it happened, then came back into class to let a few of us know what happened. One of the cats starts talking about the NBA being nothing but a bunch of thugs, which I didn’t understand nor care for. I felt frisky that evening so I decided to question what he meant by that comment. He was like c’mon Waldini they are thugs, just look at them, always fighting and attacking folks. So I started naming names to see if he thought they were thugs. Grant Hill, Shaquille O’Neal, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki were players that immediately came to mind. Again he goes “you know what I mean, most of them are thugs. Name me one sport where they fight more than the basketball.” I retorted “Hockey.” He got upset and again goes you know what I mean.
Another classmate adds fuel to the fire by saying “They are thugs by just all the tattoos they have on their bodies.” Again I shoot back “So if I told you I had a tattoo of our company name or logo on my arm, would you say I’m a thug or someone that loves the company.” And then I showed her my tattoo on my arm. I should have came back with so are NFL and MLB full of thugs because quite a few players in both leagues sport tattoos as well. They just wear more upstairs than the NBA players. Of course, there's a deeper reason why she made that comment but I'll explore that in later posts. (Memo to self, discuss "Who's afraid of the rich black man?")
You would think that would be enough bad commentary but nope one other classmate had something to say. He said that Artest should have let that cup thrown on him slide because he makes more money than that fan. So I said “ok well you are a manager, I’m a regular employee, and I’m pretty sure you make more money than me. So if I throw this Coke on you right now, are you going to let it slide because you make more money than me or are you going to jump over this desk to swing at me?” (I actually seriously thought about doing this to prove my point further). Again another one of those “you know what I mean Waldini” comments came from his mouth as well.
The above story illustrates the crazy logic that goes on in some people’s minds. How does having a tattoo on your body equate to being a thug? Would you simply just walk away if someone threw something at you, even if you knew they made less money than you? And what sane person doesn’t believe that more fighting happens in baseball and hockey today versus basketball? Let’s just say I’m the wrong person to debate with sometimes, because I like to disarm you with facts instead of fiction.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Let me first say my favorite form of music is and always will be hip hop. I listen to a lot of other types of music but rap has always been first in my heart. That said, I am close to abandoning hip hop. The quality has suffered since the golden era of the late 80s to early 90s. And when I say suffer, I mean I'm hearing songs from cats comparing women to candy. Has hip hop fallen that far? Most of the artists today aren't original and I swear all of them used to deal drugs. Their saving light was rap and got them off the streets. That is one of the dumbest things I have heard. So if rap didn't work for you, all you got is the streets. Muthafucka, get a job and earn the money the hard way like other people.
I'm at the point that I am ready to record "Get your knees dirty" or "Wash your mouth out" and get paid big time dollars to make an ass out of myself. Hell, I might even called my kids "Lil Kibbles N Bits", find some nursery song, create a song, and make millions off them.
The worse thing I ever heard was when a rapper came on one of those rap shows and the host asked him "What makes you different than the other artists out there?" The rapper had the audacity to say "I keep it gangsta more than the others out there, yo." Hey stupid, you ever heard of NWA? They were the first rap group/act to do gangsta music therefore what you are doing isn't different from they were doing in 1988.
The sad part is hip hop is making more money today off bullshit songs than off the quality that was produced in the golden era. And the quality that does exist today, you have to dig for it through various channels like pandora.com, hiphopdx.com, hiphopsite.com, etc. Aw hell, I guess I should just buy a extra large pair of pants, put on some designer something, and crack open a 40 oz. Crappy rap I embrace you....HOORAY BEER