Saturday, January 30, 2010

John Kreese

"Sweep the leg! Do you have a problem with that? 'No Sensei.' "No Mercy" - John Kreese

The All Star game is coming in 3 weeks. There's been a lot of commotion about Allen Iverson AKA the Answer getting voted as a starter. You will hear a variety of reasons from his numbers are declining, he's lost a step, there are more deserving players and other similar comments. Valid points considering the man is 34 years old and has mileage on those legs. Some folks might even say "You ain't got it no mo' Answer!" And that is a wrong thing to do....

The Honest Man has been a fan of basketball for since forever. I was decent enough to play high school ball but I wasn't the jock that had the honies lining up because I had a good J. And damn sure didn't have college scouts asking my family, "Has your son ever thought about playing at (insert school)?" Like Skee-Lo, I wished I was a "little bit taller." :-). Given that, I still did my thing out there, sometimes even fucked around and got a triple double. Ha! Had to laugh at my West Coast shout outs there.

My pops played ball too. All the way up to college. He would tell me how good he was and who he played against in college. Earl Monroe for example. My grandparents and uncle would talk about how good he was in school. I even would go with him when he played rec league ball. But even with him telling me, my family telling me, and me watching him, I never went wow my Dad's a cold muthafucka. He was just Dad. Just an old dude who I loved watching sporting events and eating barbecue. But play ball. Naw he was too old to do that.

I remember one day at home, my Dad and I were watching basketball. He was asking me how my practice went. I was telling him about how I having problems dribbling without looking down. He tried to give me pointers and I'm going "Dad, what can you teach me? You're too old." He responded "I may be old but I know I can beat you." My young testosterone kicked in and I replied "You're on." Like how George Clinton told Full Force in House Party "I cried two tears in a bucket, fuck it, let's take it to the stage."

At that time, my Dad had about 3-4 inches and 40-50 lbs on me. But all I could see is a dude with grey hair. I'm so overconfident that I'm thinking about how much shit I'm gonna talk once I smoke my Dad. So anyway, he got ball first and from that point on the on-court molestation was taking place. He his first jumper. Swish. No worries, it's beginner's luck. He hit his second jumper. It's 0-2, I'm just gonna have to work harder. Another jumper. swish. Again. swish. Onions! Swish. Next thing I know it's 8-0 Pops and we're playing to 15. He finally missed, I rebound and go on a mini run of my own. Too bad when I say mini, I mean like I made it 8-4. He got the ball back, went to the top of the key, was dribbling with one hand, had his other hand waving at me to say "Come on, it's time, young Jedi." The Honest Dad showed NO MERCY, just proceeded to whup me with a variety of jumpers and pull ups. I mean the shit was all net every time. Game. Match. Dad. Son is embarrassed.

Today's Lesson

So what did the Honest Man learn from that? One that don't believe when someone is older they can't play anymore. Two humble pie tasted nasty to me that day LOL. Three, don't ever, eeevvver judge a book by its' cover.

My Dad didn't show me any mercy that day and it's all good. That's just how my mom and him were. If you talked that shit, you'd better be ready to step up cuz otherwise they taking you to school. I did eventually beat my Dad in ball and truss, I was definitely talking that shit :-)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Carlton Banks III

The epic trilogy, Carlton Banks, ends with another sample video. For part 1, go here. For part 2, go here. This time by my man Bill Burr, who does understand what it's like to be black...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Carlton Banks Jr.

This is a video demo to Monday's Carlton Banks. Pretty much sums up how we black folks could potentially react when we've had it up to here with the "Negro Dialect." And poor imitations at that. And also has the reality check at the end of WHY we don't react like that :-)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Carlton Banks

You think I'm a sellout... Why? Because I live in a big house where I dress a certain way? Or maybe it's because I like Barry Manilow?...Being black isn't what I'm trying to be, it's what I am. I'm running the same race and jumping the same hurdles as you, so why are you tripping me up? You said we need to stick together, but you don't even know what that means. If you ask me, you're the real sellout." - Carlton Banks (played by Alfonso Ribeiro)

The Honest Man just set a record for longest quote of the millennium. But only because it's been a long two weeks. Just a week ago we celebrated Martin Luther King Day. Heading into it, you probably heard two people set the record for saying the dumbest shit of the millennium. I'm referring to Chicago's favorite stepchild, Rod Blagojevich telling Esquire he was blacker than President Obama and Senator Harry Reid mentioning the reasons Obama was a great candidate because of his light skin and lack of "Negro dialect."

The Honest man grew up in the suburbs. Like Carlton Banks, I went to private high school with a bunch of white kids. Unlike Carlton Banks, I wasn't living in a Bel Air mansion. Also didn't have the cool ass cousin to keep me straight as I was a combination of both. Guess you could call me Fresh Banks of Columbia. I digress....Like Carlton Banks and President Obama, I got called out for not speaking so called negro dialect or as the white kids put it "You don't talk black."

The Honest never did, never has, and never will understand that sentence. I think that white people sometimes watch too much TV and believe that all black people march to the beat of the same drum. Like BET is the Bible to our people and keeps them up to date on what we are doing. Newsflash, there's no SUCH thing as talking black. It's called slang. Just because black folks say it doesn't mean it's called talking black. For the record, I tried talking slang in high school, my moms almost went ape shit. You've seen the stories on my mom. Trust, I stuck to the script under her jurisdiction.

Carlton's quote said it best. Being black is what I am. Being black is what Obama is. Being black is what others who feel the same are. Listening to rap music and saying rest in peace B.I.G. to sound cool is not being black. Running up on me in the parking lot to tell me you got Snoop's album before me, then telling me you're blacker than me because of that is not being black. And if you are reading this and are confused, then you are either ignorant, or don't give a shit about what I'm saying.

Being black is understanding the history of our race, from the moment our ancestors were brough here against our will to the moment that Dr. King gave the historical speech. Being black is understanding your cultural values. Being black is understanding that no matter the racist ignorance you come across, you still manage to rise above it. Being black is truly understanding the significance of Barack Obama becoming president and not having it undermined by stupid comments like his skin color and verbiage playing a role in that.

I saw all this to say that until you walk a mile in a black person's shoe, stop talking about something you have no clue about. Talk to me when you understand why a bruh gets a haircut every two-three weeks. Talk to me when you get pulled over across the street from your own high school and accused of being drunk but in reality you just getting profiled. Talk to me when you surrounded by a bunch of folks who are not your skin color and they only way they think you'll feel comfortable is talking about sports. And definitely talk to me when you understand how impactful the Cosby Show, Different World, AND Martin were to the black community :-).

Today's Lesson

The Honest Man just had to get that off his chest. Tired of ignant muthafuckas talking that retarded shit yo about me not being black enough for them. That slang black enough for you tric? Poof pow BEGONE!

And for the record, the Honest Man didn't rock a wardrobe like Carlton! Poof.....

Songs in the Key of the Honest Man's Life - Who Dat Edition

In honor of the New Orleans Saints going to the Super Bowl for the first time in franchise history, the Honest Man is showing his love by dedicating today's jam to those folks. That city has been through alot during and after Hurricane Katrina. While it would be easy to go with Weezy since he's the best rapper the NO has to offer, I opted for the first Nawlins rapper I gots down with. Mista Percy Miller himself.....

Master P - Is there Heaven for a Gangsta

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The definition of a WTF moment

I told you on Monday that it's been only 4 days and people are already on some dumb shit. By now you have heard about Gilbert Arenas aka Agent Zero and his dumb decision to bring guns to the workplace. Originally I was going to blog about how retarded he was and do the Honest Man yada yada yada spiel. But today I got an even more unique situation that I have truly deemed What The Fuck.

A What The Fuck or WTF (for my "pure" readers) moment happens when common sense and reality decide they need to divorce themselves from one another inside someone's brain. Like the chicken nuggets situation this week.That's a What The Fuck moment. You have to capitalize the first letter in each word to emphasize just how stupid that moment was. Back to my story, again I was about to crown Mr. Hibachi as having the What The Fuck moment of the week, possibly year, but then this happened.

The Honest Man lives in North Texas. And North Texas weather is very similar to South Carolina and Georgia's weather. It gets extremely hot in the summertime and it gets cold in the wintertime. This winter has been unusual. In December alone, we had 3 separate incidents where it snowed. Mind you it didn't snow much nor did it stick. And more importantly, sans one of the incidents, it did not cause schools or businesses to shut down. In fact in the one case I mentioned, school was just delayed a couple of hours.

Fast forward to this week. We were told on Monday that a cold front was coming. They were predicting the coldest days this area has seen in 10 or 15 years. What is the tempature you ask? Nothing more than an average high of 25 degrees during the day and 13 degrees at night. Cold? Absolutely. Need the big coat on? Damn straight. Shut down school for the day? My spidey sense tells me a What The Fuck Moment is coming......

My wife tells me last night that I should be expecting to work at home tomorrow because our kids won't be going to school. I tell her she's crazy, they not going to shut down schools just because it's cold. I mean it's not even going to snow for crying out loud. But the WTF moment kicks in early this morning. I get up, turn the local news on, and looking at the scroller for school closings. After 10 minutes, I'm going see she's crazy, school's not shutting down. Literally just as I thought that, I see my kids' school post their school is closed today. And this point you're going well it is like 14 degrees outside, should play it safe. This is where it gets What The Fuck

Sunrise was around 7:30am. I looked outside, not a lick of ice, not even a flake of snow on the ground. It's just windy and cold. Does that sound like school should have been shut down. In the words of Stone Cold Steve Austin "OH HELLL NO!!" I can see delaying school start time to be safe but to shut down the entire school for a day because it's cold is screaming What The Fuck are you thinking??!?! I mean what's next, you gonna shut down school b/c it's too hot outside. Have you lost your marbles? And for those disagreeing with me, you are fucking stupid. Period.

There was a lady on TV saying she agreed with the school board for shutting down. She said you have to err on the side of caution when it comes to your children's safety. Do you know where this broad was? At a muthaphuckin' BOWLING ALLEY?!?! So it's not safe to go to school but it's safe to go bowling?!?! You get the Honorable Mention What The Fuck moment award!

Today's Lesson

There's a reason schools have's to keep the classroom warm. If the streets are clear and the roads are safe, the kids' are in school unless it's summertime or a holiday. No Ifs, Ands, or Buts. It's supposed to be cold again tomorrow. I guess that will be another What The Fuck moment for the board...Agent Zero you got a get of jail free card from the Honest Man today due to a local breach of common sense. Be Happy!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Chicken Nuggets?!?!

"Bada bap ba baaah, I'm lovin' it" - McDonald's latest theme song

We're only 4 days into the New Year and people are already on some dumb shit. Did you hear about the lady in Ohio? Here's the gist of the situation

"Police say an Ohio woman punched through a McDonald's drive-through window because Chicken McNuggets weren't available."

Seriously? Chicken Nuggets? As Bernie Mac used to say "America, what's wrong with people!?!?" You went to jail over fast food?!?! Not for a loved one, not because you were defending property, but a fuckin' chicken mcnugget?!?! In a weird way, I almost wish ole girl was arrested for peddling blue tops even though that's immoral. But that sounds better than doing time for Mickey D's. I mean can you imagine being in jail with other cats, they ask you what you in for, and you say "I smacked a cat cuz they didn't have Nuggets." Neither can I.

Hell I would have liked it if she stole on the cashier over no more hamburgers. At least we could have called her the Hamburglar. That would have been more appropriate in a twisted sort of way.

Today's Lesson

That lady should have her salad tossed by her cellmates on GP :-). The Honest Man is not feeling this at all. As much as I love Bojangles, no way in hell I'm going to jail over a Bo Berry Biscuit. We losing already America and we not even a week into the New Year.

We're all in the same gang - Vol. 3

New Year means a New Batch of 25 essential songs to the progression of the black man. In case you missed the two previous volumes, I have links for volume 1 and volume 2 up. The first volume was about parenthood. The second volume was about progression. Today's theme is education. Education about areas other than the one you grew up in. I'm from South Carolina and growing up, I knew very little about other places and their cultures. And I'm referring to the US. Yes, we need to educate ourselves at home first before we embark on exploring other countries.

So today's message is about understanding the different makeups in regions outside your own.

California Love

We starting out on the left coast where folks definitely need to know what the West Coast is talkin' about and how they roll. 'Pac and Dre to me best capture this with the title and shoutouts to the various spots in Cali.

Let me clear my throat

We on that red-eye to DC to the land of go-go. The first time I heard this was when I dated this chick my freshman year in college. She was from DC and asking me about all these songs I'd never heard of. Then I went to a go-go party and my eyes opened. Those cats will make a song about anything. Sardines and pork n beans indeed :-)

Get ready, ready

Now we travelin' to the gulf coast to get our bounce on. Literally. Bounce music in this area definitely influences LA, TX, and MS. I didn't know the impact until I went to this party in Houston. The music switched from stuff I know to bounce music and everyone broke out into these crazy dances. I had no idea what monkey on a stick was. I do now :-)

I Wanna Rock

Now if you grew up in FL, GA, SC, AL, and some parts of TN and NC, you grew up on bass music. And Uncle Luke was the one that took it to massive heights. So for parties back home, we got a heavy dose of songs like this with asses jigglin' everywhere. Oh to be young again

Empire State of Mind

Can't forget the originators of hip hop, the mighty New York. True they have a barrage of songs that represent NY to the fullest but Jiggaman's is the most recent and definitely is a John Blazer. And the Honest Man blog has no lil mama to interrupt the flow either.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Sweet Tea Incident

Anger is one letter short of danger. - Unknown

1986. Aw the time of my youthful innocence before my wit and charm were discovered. This was a big year. The tragedy of the Challenger shuttle. The historical passing of Haley's Comet. The Christmas were I received my first boom box (ok it was a double deck radio but still) along with my first rap tapes of Run DMC's Raising Hell and Orange Juice Jones' In the Rain. And it would be the first time I see my mother cut a fool on non-family members in public.

You already got a dose of how my mom can react when you try to step into the arena with her. Well this particular day in '86, I learned upfront that she doesn't restrict her stuff to just family. Let me first say this about my moms if I haven't already. She's one of the coolest, friendliest people in the world. She's the type that will talk to strangers in an elevator and in less than 5 minutes will have you opening up about you and your life. That's just the type of person she is. But if you cross her wrong, that friendliness turns into the Dark Side, which means someone's hand is getting cut off.

Growing up in South Carolina, there were two big events that happened during the year: Mayfest in May and the State Fair in October. Mayfest usually took place in downtown Columbia where all kind of vendors were trying to get their hustle on. My mom or dad would take us every year as it was a chance for them to get us out and let us wear our energy out on unsuspecting people. In '86, I remember my mom took me, my sister, and my boy Wes to Mayfest.

Now forgive me if my memory is a lil hazy here but I will do my best to recall this event as best as I can. I know we had been walking around for a good minute and my mom got real thirsty. She was so thirsty, we stopped at this Chinese food vendor where she asked for sweet tea. One thing I should mention is my mom had on this all white sundress. As the lady was preparing my mom's drink, she turned around to talk to us and make sure we were alright. Somehow or another when she turned back around, the cashier mistakenly thought my mom had her hand and tried to hand her the tea. Instead of hitting her hand, the whole cup of tea spilled on my mom's dress. Like I said, a white dress. And this is drink hitting a black woman's dress. What do you think happened next :-)?

My mom first was pretty calm about it, started trying to wipe the mess off her dress, but having no success as she has this huge tea stain on her dress. She then started telling the cashier that the dress will have to be dry cleaned and she needs the restaurant's info so she can send them the bill. The cashier was Chinese and unfortunately her English was bad. But she understood enough to say that the situation wasn't her fault or really "Not my fault, you spill on self." Like I said above, this is a black woman here. After repeatedly telling my mom "you spill on self", my mom went into defcom 9 mode. Calmness was replaced by aggressiveness when my mom now calling for a manager before as she said "curses someone out."

Now there was this white lady and her boyfriend also standing there watching the whole incident. As my mom is giving the cashier and the rest of the staff the business, the white lady interjects with "It's just tea, it's not that big of a deal." Again I say this is a black woman. My mom stopped mid sentence with the Chinese lady, turned towards the white lady, and gave her this look that said "Heifer does it look like I'm talking to you...". Her boyfriend wisely said "Um let's go over this way dear" and pulled her arm. My mom flipped back to the Chinese lady and longstory short, got them to agree to pay for the damages. I think it was a matter of mom just kept coming at them and she ultimately won the battle of wills.

Today's Lesson

I learned 3 things that day. One, don't ever stick your nose in black people's business. Two, keep arguing until you win. Three, the most important don't ever cross my mama wrong. EVER. I remember my boy Wes bringing that day up to me a few years ago and was rolling how he didn't want to make my mom mad LOL.

Songs in the Key of the Honest Man's Life - New Year's 2010 Edition

Happy New Year readers! Usually I would hit you up with my resolution for you to follow. But I did that for ya'll jabronis last year. This time the first post of the year was inspired by satellite radio. By the way, if ya didn't know, satellite radio is the dopest shit on the planet. I invested in it 2 yrs ago and haven't been disappointed...

But I'm getting away from the subject. I was listening to satellite and this joint came on. I forgot how dope this posse cut was. And I imagine my loyal readers have as well. So this is how I'm ringing in 2010. No Plies, No Lil Chris, No Game, no none of that new school shit here. I'm giving you the old school motivational get off yo' ass type shit right here. Drum roll pleaseeeee....

EPMD f K-Solo and Redman - Headbanger