Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Just (don't) do it!

The Honest Man is married. Scratch that, the Honest Man is HAPPILY married. Been married almost 6 years now, which like an eternity in my generation. Have two kids. Got a decent house. All we're missing is the white picket fence and a beagle named Snoopy to make the Leave it to Beaver life complete.

Magic Johnson. Michael Jordan. Kobe Bryant. Rick Pitino. Tragically Steve McNair. And now Steve Phillips. What's the connection between me being married and these high profile folks you say? We are bound by the fact that we are married (or in some cases were married). The difference is they and other dudes at my level have strayed from the concept of marriage. In legal terms they are married. But in their terms, they are dipping their hands in someone else's cookie jar.

This is the Honest Man's view on marriage. If you want to date multiple women, then don't get married. It's that simple. It's emotionally and financially better to you. I mean I look at it like this, you already gotta take 2 Advil pills to deal with the wife, why increase to the dosage to 4 to deal with the mistress? Personally I'm all about less headaches.

And for those who are reading, have jumpoffs, and are saying well my mistress isn't like that, what makes you think that. Humans are unpredictable creatures. You have NO idea what someone will do when shit hits the fan. Look at Steve Phillips situation. He boned ole girl THREE times and the next thing you show she's posing as his son's high school classmate. What the fuck?!?!?

I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say I don't look at other women. My name isn't Stevie Wonder which means I'm not blind to what is in front of me. But I'm not Deuce Bigalow either so I'm not looking to step to chicks and totally ignore that I'm married. One of my boys says it's easy for me because I'm in those folks mentioned above's position. I counter with one of my boy's Uncle is Billy Cunningham. You know the same Billy Cunningham that was a Hall of Fame coach and player. He coached the Sixers during their early 80s heyday but yet he wasn't out trying to see how many notches he could put on his belt. And I know it was available to him if he wanted it.

Ok, ok, you say so what Honest Man, we all know Billy. All right tricks, got a local one for you. My man was single at one time, built him up some nice paper via his 401K, and met this chick that was a low level employee at the same company. They get married, have a kid, but he decides to step out on her. He gets busted, they go to court, the judge rules in her favor, and all that hard earned money he made BEFORE he got married, she now would get half of that. Did you hear me? She will get HALF of his 401K. Considering they were married a short while (less than 5 yrs) and he had already put in 10 yrs work to the fund, he got fucked with no vaseline. All because he wanted some honey. Are your eyes opened now???

I guess ultimately we can't all be perfect. Maybe for those that need more honey, you should find a wife like Andrei Kirilenko aka AK-47:-).

Today's Lesson

Keep the rocket in your pocket married jabronis! Otherwise don't do the bitch move and say ole girl is crazy for this and that when you the reason she out trippin'. And for those thinking about getting married, learn from these stories, and think real hard about what you want outta that woman before you say I do.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


The following has been inspired by my beautiful black women aka the Good Mothers of the Earth aka the Queens of the Nile aka the Jewels of my fellow brothers and all that other good stuff....

Heifer - 1. A young female bovine (cow) that has not yet had a calf. 2. An ugly or objectionable woman; a cow.

How many times have you heard a black woman say "I wish that heifer would say something" or some similar phrase using that word. It's a word that I truly did not understand it's power until now. Heifer. A female cow. An ugly woman. Both derogatory. And both used with the same venom as when a man calls a woman a bitch. And it literally has the same negative impact. Walk with me.....

I must have been 15, 16 years old when I first heard the word. But I can clearly remember the event and the word's significance. My mother worked long hours back in the day and sometimes she would reward herself with a treat to help take the edge off. One day, I remember she had bought some a few slices of chocolate cake home. She ate one of them but warned my sister and I not to touch the other slice. She was saving it for the next day. Now I don't know about you, but I'm like my mom. When I have my mind on something I want to eat, I daydream the whole day about that special moment when that delicious morsel of food will touch my lips and my belly becomes a happy camper. I also know, like many of my fair skinned compadres, you don't cross Moms. EVER.

The next day my sister and I are home from school. We've done our normal routine of getting our schoolwork done, get a lil pre meal snack (not Mom's cake), and then I'm on the couch, flipping between Yo MTV Raps and Rap City . Unbeknown to me, my sister is also getting a snack but she's snacking on something that she is not supposed to touch. Yep, you guessed it, Mom's cake :-(. About an hour later, my Mom walked in, she unwinds, and come downstairs. We all eat dinner as a family and when we're through, she starts talking about that cake. I should have known something was up then when my sister had this bewildered look on her face. The next scene was priceless.

Moms gets up, opens up the refrigerator, and starts looking for her cake. She's bending over, furiously searching for her food like a mouse does for cheese. She stands up, looks confused, and asks us "Have you guys seen my cake?". Like I said, you don't cross Moms. I do my best my Penny from Good times imitation and go "no Mama, I didn't do it, I was watching TV earlier." She then looks at my sister and goes well. My sister did this nervous chuckling routine, which basically said I'm guilty. Moms is smart and immediately knows she ate it. Without even hesitating she says "Heifer didn't I tell you not to touch my cake. You probably would eat shit too if I left it in there." Classic.

Now my Mom had a slight case of you know I don't mean that. But you see what happens when a black woman is at her wits end and is about to go into Def com 9 mode. And it's not just her. My wife says it from time to time, my aunties and cousins say it from time to time, and just the other day, my homegirl used the word. And I'm going is heifer the new bitch in the black community. Just spoken by black women among each other when they upset at another black female. And our black dudes allowed to use it. In this politically correct day and time, I never know what's right and what's wrong. But I do know one thing, if anyone touches my good eats, it's on...Heifer :-)!!

Today's Lesson

Heifer is a fascinating word to me. I learned afterwards that the word meant cow and I was like wow, my mom called my sister a cow. Obviously she apologized to my sister for lashing out but that memory and constant reinforcement today is etched permanently in my brain. So I when I hear you sistas say "I wish a heifer would..." or "Let that heifer start some mess here...", I will now salute you. CHUUUCCCHHHH

Friday, October 16, 2009

All Aboard

Dear Hater,

What's good fam! It's been a minute since we last chatted. I know, I know you've been doing your best to forget that a certain team in Los Angeles not named the Clippers popped champagne all the way from Pasadena to Inglehood. If you check your calendar, we're two weeks away from the start of the new season. And I'm sure you going here goes this asshole, already starting shit in frickin' preseason...

But you've got me wrong hater. I'm more Martin than Malcolm, more Bush Sr than Bush Jr, more Holyfield than Tyson, well you catch my point. I'm offering you a chance of lifetime. Instead of working against each other, we should be working together on the same team. How about you jump on the Laker Title Train now and we can squash that beef?

What's not to like? Rub elbows with winners, dine with kings and queens instead of franks and beans, find out what's like to be me. Do that and I promise I will "pardon" you for all past wrongdoings: the midnight phone calls, the injury excuse cards that were played when your team lost, and my favorite the horrible misspellings when debating me. Heck, I might even meet you halfway and let you forgive me too. So whaddya say, do we have a deal?

Today's Lesson

This offer will expire the day the NBA regular season starts. Failure to accept will obviously result in the Laker Posse aka D-Lo, the Z-man, Del the Funky Homosapien and host of others having to smash and trash yet again. Be easy..."friend" :-)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

(Honest) Man vs. Food - Deanie's

The Honest Man is a huge fan of Man vs Food. And the Honest Man also considers himself a food connoisseur. So I've decided to start writing about some of my favorite food experiences and sharing them with my readers. These are places I consider you absolutely must try if you are ever in these fair cities. If you don't, you might as well be on the outside looking in. So disappoint me young Jedis, abandon your fear, and join me in the quest to complete your Jedi training and sample some of the best food of your life.....

New Orleans. 3 things quickly come to mind: Bayou Classic, Mardi Gras, and grocery stores that sell hard liquor in them (seriously!!). However, recently I had to add a new thing to that list and that place is Deanie's. I actually saw this on an episode of Man vs Food. But what caught my attention was that both black and white people were eating there. Quick side note, while I have love for my Caucasian brothers and sisters, some of ya'll don't know what the word seasoning means. I like for my food to have flavor. Whenever I eat with ya'll, more often than not, you take me to food places that are allergic to flavor. And if I don't see any minorities eating the food, that's a HUGE red flag to me.

Enough rambling, more eating. My wife and I were in New Orleans recently and I told her we are trying this spot. We went to the original one in Bucktown and one word. WOW. They start you off with new potatoes that are piping hot and have spices that make you crave water. We had the gumbo as appetizers, which is as close to authentic as one can get. I had the shrimp, oysters, and catfish platter that had me going Van Damme over and over.

Long story short, if you are ever in New Orleans and you have an urge to check out local cuisine. Go to Deanie's. They got one in the French Quarters which is ok but the best one is the original one in Bucktown by the lake. Trust me, you won't be disappointed. I leave you with this picture...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Songs in the Key of the Honest Man's Life - Beast(ie) Edition

I honestly feel Beastie Boys are one of the greatest rap groups in history. And no not for the obvious reasons that most people pick (first white rappers that could flow, Def Jam backing). They are one of the few hip hop acts that have evolved since they started. From License to Ill to Paul's Boutique to Check your Head to the Ill Communication, they have definitely dropped multiple styles. And the Honest Man likes that. EVOLUTION. Take a listen young wanna be rappers. You don't have to do and talk about the SAME SHIT on every album.

This is one of my all time favorite Beastie songs. Those drums. That bass. That electric guitar. If that riff doesn't get you, then the hook will. Ah yes, I think I'm losing my mind this time, this time I'm losing my mind....You can't front on that ;-).

Beastie Boys - So What'cha Want