Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to FUCK ME! - Alejandro Sosa (Scarface)

You remember the infamous scene from "Scarface" where Tony Montana fucked up the assassination plot, which prompted Mr. Sosa to spit the above quote. I think it's appropriate for the next Honest Man story as this quote definitely fits the situation.

1997. Junior Year. The mighty mighty Morehouse. Hotlanta, GAHGWA :-). Let me just say Spring Time in Atlanta or at least in the AUC should be a goal of any young man that's trying to get his peek on. I'm talking bad ass broads from all realms of the world, walking around, sporty the daisy dukes, fake tripping when cats yell "Yo shawty" at 'em. It's just magical.

FYI, across the street from Morehouse is our female counterpart, Spelman College. In the 90s black movies, these two schools were the mecca for guys and gals. And in the movies, these guys and gals became friends, then lovers, and later husband and wife. Well in reality, shit just didn't happen like that. It was more like a dice game when it came to dating Spelmanites. Sometimes you hit on 7-11. Sometimes you roll snake eyes.

I had a homegirl at Spelman that loved being a matchmaker. She kept note of how many shorties I was always talking about and frequently commented, I need to calm myself down. She was one of the few who drank the Kool-Aid when they entered Spelman, so it was easy to maintain a relationship with her and not have her think I was trying to spit at her (which I wasn't). Anyway, she decided I need to meet a "nice" girl so she set me up on a blind date with one of her girlfriends. I agreed to this only because 1) I had never been on a blind date, wanted to see if I could hit 7-11 and 2) because my mindsight that year in school was GTD (Get The Drawers).

Crazy side story, I actually had two dates the day of my blind date. First date, me and this shorty I had been hollering at for a minute hung out in midtown and had lunch. I dropped her off back at Spelman at like 5, 6pmish. The blind date was at 7 so I rushed back to my dorm, quickly "freshened" up, and came right back to Spelman's front gate at 6:55. Yep, I definitely had ego in those days.

So the blind date strolls up, shorty I had to say was looking kinda nice. Like the Brandy song, she wasn't too thick, she wasn't too small, not too big, not too tall. We introduce ourselves to one another, then decide we should go to Houlihan's by Lenox Mall (RIP) for dinner. Along the way, we making short talk, and at that point, I'm like man she's pretty cool, not thinking my night was about to become a Nightmare on Peachtree Street.

So we get to Houlihan's, sit down, chop it up with the usual bullshit intro lines ("Where you from, what's your major, whatever the latest entertainment buzz, etc) and order our food. I remember the next part clearly. Right after we order our food, we start talking about dating. I don't know if that was her trigger to turn to Mrs. Hyde but this chick immediately started spurting off about these men "being sorry ass hoes and full of shit." To me, that's a general statement and not true. I mean imagine if I said all women are nothing but bitches and hoes. See how angry you just got ladies at that comment. Now reverse it and see how I felt when she made that blanket statement.

I started probing why are men full of shit and her response was pure comedy. You all cheat, you just want sex but you don't want commitment, ya'll afraid of a strong, independent woman, add in your favorite cliche statement. I was like that's not true, not all dudes are like and she's like yes ya'll are. Meanwhile, I'm praying where the hell is our food :-). You would think food would shut her up, but nope she kept going. She just kept coming at me with the you guys ain't shit stuff and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I finished my meal and said this isn't exactly the best way to kick off a first date. It's a turnoff but me being a nice guy, I can tolerate it. But you may run across a dude who isn't a gentleman and may treat you like a dude cuz of all the shit talking you doing. She like "Whatever, you ain't gon do shit." That was the statement that officially switched me into asshole mode.

Our check comes, I tell ole girl, I'm going to the bathroom, and be right back. I actually went to my car, and started driving down Peachtree. I'm like forget this tric, I don't need this shit, I'm going home. But then my conscience started talking to me, saying Moms raised you better than that. The good dude in me, went back, and found ole girl sitting in the front waiting. Funny, I was fully expecting her to go into bitch mode and make a scene but she was mad quiet. I think she was so angry, she didn't know what to say. She didn't say a word, just followed me out the door, got in the car, and was quiet the entire way back to campus.

I was more amazed at how ruthless I could be to an individual. But it also taught me that don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Might find yourself trying to figure out how to get back to campus when MARTA isn't running anymore.

Today's Lesson

Fuck with me all you want but Honest Man don't play that shit. LOL. I never saw that girl again and my friend never brought it up. She didn't hook me up with any of her girlfriends ever again either but hey that was one of those Chris Rock deals where ole girl needed to look in the mirror and say "Maybe it's just ME!!"

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Songs in the Key of the Honest Man's Life - More MJ Edition

Yep, I'm gonna continue to post as many of my favorite MJ songs/videos as I like. Especially when the BETs, MTVs, VH1s, and TvOnes continue to play the same 10 songs (Billie Jean, Bad, Remember the Time, Beat It, Thriller, Black or White, Man in the Mirror, You're not Alone, Rock my World, Smooth Criminal [version 1]) over and over.

This song I discovered later as an adult listening to a smooth listening station at my dentist. I first heard it and was like "Is that Michael???" The beat is so smooth, I'm literally tripping this song didn't blow up when it was released (well it did in the UK). If you don't know, now you know....

The Jackson - Show You the Way to Go

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Songs in the Key of the Honest Man's Life - All About MJ Edition

We lost the greatest entertainer of all time this week people and the Honest Man is going to paying tribute to him by blessing you with some of my favorite cuts by the King of Pop. Up first is one of my favorites from the Jackson clan. It's largely ignored by popular radio and I have yet to see it played on any of the cable channels showing MJ videos all day. Don't understand it. The song was pure motivation for me in high school when I played sports. The beat is super dope on here. Well for those who love this, the Honest Man has got you.

RIP MJ, we miss you.....

The Jacksons - Can You Feel It

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dear Hater

Dear Hater,

It's been awhile since we last chatted. What's it been 5,6 years since the last Laker title run. I kid I kid, I know it's been 7 long years since the title was in Hollywood. But over those 7 years, you've taken time out of your busy schedule to make sure you could get your kick in while the Honest Man was down. It's all good, I understand, it's human nature, I mean you got me good in a lot of ways. Let's take a stroll down memory lane:

  • 2004 - Lakers lose to Pistons in 5, prompting you to call my house after midnight to rub it in, nevermind my wife whose trying to get sleep for work was bothered but hey it was important to make sure I knew my "Fakers" as you called it took an L. And you did not stop there, you stopped by my office the very next day to see if I was going to make it through the day or needed a shoulder to cry on.
  • 2005 - My memory is blurry because my boys hit a low point but I got a variety of communication via email, phone calls, and office visits from you about how Kobe was to blame for all of this, it's his fault, Shaq is better, Kobe's not that good, the Lakers are going nowhere. But I understood at the time. It's easy to talk when the chips are down.
  • 2006 - Aww yes the first round flameout against Phoenix. Oh yea, you were there for Game 7, ready and waiting to throw gas on the fire, especially since LA blew a 3-1 series lead and got blown out in Game 7. Because it was Kobe who you hated and the extra goodness in seeing Raja clothesline him in the series and Raja's mom stand outside the Lakers room, waiting for Kobe to give him a hug, it felt extra good.
  • 2007 - The boys regress in the regular season so not too many comments from your peanut gallery hater since LA wasn't really going anywhere. Another Phoenix matchup, another first round exit. Because of that, you were simmering but that led to.....
  • 2008 - My favorite hater moment. The Lakers start off hot in the regular season, surprising everyone by winning the West and getting Gasol along the way. When they did reach the Finals, the Lakers got "destroyed" by Boston in 6 games, including a embarrassing 30 plus defeat in the close out game, prompting everything from you pointing out about the lack of Lakers' team play and how they could learn about teamwork, tuffness (your spelling not mine) from watching Boston play. Ooops almost forgot about the random texts and emails when the Rockets won a regular season game (I repeat a regular season game) against my boys. I was befuddled by the latter my hater friend, particularly since it was the regular season and it did not mean anything, but hey I understand. It had been awhile since the Kobe is great talk and I know that's your cue to say No he's not that good, I hate Kobe, etc....
Which brings me to 2009. Yep, a lot of hate in that heart that was evident from season opening. Lebron's better than Kobe. Fine. The Lakers are soft. Better. You're lucky Boston's missing key players. Impressive. Magic and Nuggets in 6 over LA. Hilarious. I'm telling you hater, you had me in stitches this season. From breakdowns on the Lakers toughness to why they could not win, I thought you would be great in comedy.

Here's the thing hater. Despite all of the above and your constant desire to see the Lakers fail, they didn't. They just won their 15th NBA title. Kobe just proved he could win a title without Shaq. He also validated the franchise as the team of this decade and that he belongs in the top 10 greatest players of all time.

I know, I know, it's not fair, you have to live with this for at least 300 days but look on the bright side. You can always rewrite history on your playstation

Sincerely yours,

The Honest Man, Laker fan since '84

Today's Lesson

Aw just to show you the Honest Man is a good sport, how about you come over to my house for some humble pie and a nice cup of shut the hell up. It's damn good :-)

Saturday, June 13, 2009


"I've wined and dines with kings and queens, and I've slept in alleys eatin' pork and beans." - Dusty Rhodes

(Bernie Mac voice) A-me-ri-cuh, we in tough times right now. The housing market is kaput. Gas prices got people stealing gas out of folks' cars. Common household items like bread and milk basically cost you your blood to get. And corporations are throwing (translation: firing) people away like they everyday trash. It all adds up to what Waldini's definition of a recession. Well the word I would use a completlely fucked up situation but recession sounds much more professional, dont'cha think :-).

So what do you do about it A-me-ri-cuh? Well the Honest Man is telling you to hang in there, better days are a coming. And while you try to deal with the hard times, I got a recession proof strategy that should turn that frown upside down.

Back in the mid-90s, the Honest Man was a broke, ambitious, semi-intelligent bruh trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents (a dime and a nickel). During this same time, I was at Morehouse, and one semester, I had to take a Speech class. One of my speeches was to be motivational for the class plus it would be taped in front of them as well. At first, I had no idea what to do about motivation. Every idea that came to me seemed corny. Gangsta Rap? Too common. Girls with big butts and a smile? Too easy. Then it came to me after talking to a chickenhead one night.

I was trying to holla at this chick across the way at good ole Spelman. She tells me that she wants to go to Cheesecake Factory. Quick side note: at the time, Cheesecake Factory was the move and considered big time for college students. The meal, parking, and tip usually costs around $50 or more when it was all said at done. Anyway, in my mind, I'm like you want me to shell out that kind of cash, and likely I'm just gonna get a hug and a handshake. Get the fuck outta here, we gon do something low key like Fellini's, the college man's best friend. But that conversation motivated me. Motivated me to come up with a date plan for my fellow bruhs that were struggling with equally like minded chickenheads. The $5 date was born......

A-me-ri-cuh, if I told you that you could take a girl out for $5, would you believe me? Likely no, saying ain't no well in Hell Honest Man. But that's only because you are not thinking creatively. I'm going to show you multiple (yep you read it right, multiple) ways that you can take out shorties for $5 and keep your wallet from being financially embarrassed.

OPTION #1 - Dinner and movie

In every major city there is $1, $1.50 movie theater. For the two of you, that's 3 dollar max. Sure you are seeing the movie weeks, maybe months behind when it first came out but bottom line you seeing it. And the movie shouldn't be so important anyway, it's about the quality time you two are spending together so get over it. Anyway, you see the movie, and when you get out, ya'll probably hungry. Do you know where in America where two people can eat for $2 or less? You'll be shocked when I tell you this place is pretty much everywhere. Two words. Taco Bell. Two more words. Four tacos. That's right, you can get four tacos and two cups of water for $1.93. That's 3 tacos for you, 1 for the girl. (if you watching your figure ladies, you eatin' 1 taco LOL). That leaves you with 7 cents which you can contribute to your weak gas supply fund. But the important thing is you went out for $5.

OPTION #2 - Dinner and movie remixed

Ok, ok, your date's trippin', she's not down for the cause aka waiting to see a movie. She wants to fly first class instead of coach, so what do you do. You take her to the normal high priced movie theater. You are like how is that possible since one ticket costs more than $5 even with a student discount. Again, you are thinking creatively. Most movie theaters in America have teenagers working there who absolutely don't give a fuck about anything except quitting time for their job. So this is how you take advantage.

Find out the times of the movie you want to see. Also find out the movie length (call the theater, they will tell you). Find out the time of the movie that will let out before your targeted movie. Time it where you and your date are standing at the movie exit door as the first movie lets out. As folks walk out, ya'll inconspicously walk in, split up, and find ways to kill time before going into the theater (kids gotta clean the spot up first). When enough time has passed, ya'll meet up, walk in the theater and BAM, you've seen a new movie, in the theater, for FREE.

You got $5 dollars still in your pocket, what do you do? Do you double your pleasure at Taco Bell? Hell naw, you take that chick to Fellini's. That's 3 slices of pieces and 2 cups of water for $4.75. Again 2 slices for you, 1 for the date, AND it's likely you can cop soda for free since they don't check folks taking soda when they ordered water. TWENTY FIVE CENTS SAVED. That man Waldini is a genius!!!

OPTION #3 - When the car is not considered

Ok you are saying Honest Man those options above involve driving, which means you are burning gas. True, the above are making assumptions you got a full tank of gas and the car is not an option. BUT if that is a factor, I got another way to save on that. In Atlanta, we have this great transit authority called MARTA. Better known to Atliens as Moving Atliens Rapidly Through Atlanta. In certain MARTA stops, there is no security or attendant working the spot. Actually it's pretty easy to hop the train, even if security is working, you just have to be crafty. Regardless, scope out the spot, look for the openings, and then take the offer when it's there.

Then apply either Option 1 or 2 to this and with the Boom, Ping, Ping, you in there like swimwear.

Today's Lesson

Now I can't guarantee that you will get a second date with ole girl but I can promise you that you won't go broke trying to show ole girl a good time (good for you, probably bad for her but whateva, that's not the point). It's about recession-proofing your finances and that's what the Honest Man has done.

As for class, I got an A on that speech, my homies were motivated, and my teacher thought I was hilarious. I was about to trademark that idea. Hell if Rachel Ray can do 30 minute meals, I can do $5 dollar dates. That idea would save the country LOL.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Songs in the Key of the Honest Man's Life - The Hangover edition

I have a strong desire to see "The Hangover." That Mike Tyson scene does it for me everytime and the trailer makes me think back to my younger years of kicking it. Back in the day, I would get full on that firewater and just do me. And when I wake up from an evening of sipping the devil's nectar, I would immediately play the following two songs on my stereo. They were just the perfect theme for how I was feeling that morning. I definitely did not want to feel that way again but damn it was a good night. Such a juxtaposition.

It should be noted the Honest Man is showing his diverse music portfolio to the uncultured by having the Chili Peppers joint on here ;-)

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge

Ice Cube - It was a good day

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

No Scrubs

I know it's been almost a month since I've posted anything but when you got young toddlers, your energy gets sapped quick. When I do get the urge to write, someone in the house wants something. Diaper change. Feed me. Clean me. The life of Honest Man LOL. But I have some free time (shocking) tonight PLUS I have energy so Poof. Pow. Ping. You get a story......

1999. Atlanta. I'm in town for business recruiting. But you know A-town is my town so I had to get up with the homies. The biggest song of the year was released by one of ATL's own. The song, "No Scrubs." The group, TLC. Not Tender Loving Care, I'm talking T-Boz, Left Eye, and Chili. Now I should say this, I loved TLC's 2nd album CrazySexyCool. Thought the first album was okay, but the 2nd album was the shit. Probably one of the best R&B albums in the past 20 years. And considering I'm not a TLC groupie, that's a big thing for me to say.

Anyway, I touch down in ATL and immediately hook up with my boy K-dawg. Back in the day, K-Dawg and Jay Boogie were roommates, always had the nice get togethers PLUS they had the couch spot reserved for yours truly. Anyhow, I get to their apartment, and K-dawg's like "Yo Waldini, they shooting the video for No Scrubs at Tower Records!" I'm like "We there." Back then for us, to do random shit like that was just our style. No thought process, no long drawn out philosophical discussion debating why or why not should we go. Just a simple "We there." Add in my man Juan Valdez who was down for the cause plus my kid sister who was spending a semester at Spelman, the party was set.

Friday evening. Buckhead. The OLD Tower Records location directly across from Lenox Mall. For the old heads, this was the spot. You see anybody from Kris from Kriss Kross to JD walking up in there on random days. Even though they moved to a bigger store on the other side of Peachtree, shit still didn't feel right. But whatever, I'm rambling :-0

We get down there, and there is a gazillion people in the parking lot with a few onsite staff for both Tower and TLC. They tell us that they are going to film random shots in the parking lot and want people to just follow the camera, doing zany things. Again that was so us so you know we elbowing folks, little kids included, to mean mug for the camera and "claim" our fame by being in a video. They must have played "No Scrubs" like forever to keep taking pictures. Never did we stop to think how come TLC is not out here with us.

So they finish shooting, then tell us TLC is on the inside of Tower, ready to sign autographs (only if we purchase their new album though...Fuckers :-)). So we wait in line, steal a poster that has "Fan Mail" and get to the front. My sister goes up first to get a signing, I remember her going to Left Eye and LE asking my sister who I was, saying I was cute. Of course, I should be honored right that a celebrity is giving a "scrub" like me a compliment. But naw, in my mind, I'm like hell naw, I don't want the crazy chick that burns people's houses down, I want the chick with the cute baby hair and toned muscles (that would be Chili). Anyway, me and my boys go up, get a quick signature, do the fake "we love your album" even though we had not heard it, get a No Scrubs button and go about our business.

I get back home, I'm sending out emails to everyone I know to be on the lookout for me and the crew in the upcoming No Scrubs video. I'm literally preparing myself for folks to ride my jock, and chicks to be like "Hey aren;t you the guy from the video" lines. Funny thing though, the No Scrubs video comes out and it's TLC surrounded by a bunch of mirrors. No shots of people, just mirrors. And TLC. My mouth was going WHAT THE FUCK in my apartment. I called K-Dawg up and we both were like WHAT THE FUCK. What in the hell happened to our video shoot? And why the hell they have us out for like whatever, cooning, and all we got was some bullshit No Scrubs buttons??

Today's Lesson

I was literally depressed for 2 days LOL. To add injury to insult, I remember my homegirl replying to my note, being a smart ass and saying "Were you behind one of the mirrors :-)?" I guess that's what I get for elbowing that 5th grader.