Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Straight Eye for the Straight Guy
"Those shoes don't match with that fucking outfit" - Martin Lawrence, Def Comedy Jam
America, I've had it. I'm finished. I can't do it. I won't do it. And more importantly, I will not stand. What'chu talkin' 'bout Willis you ask? Heck I'm just talking about Shaft. No not John Shaft but his bad dressing cousin Jack Shaft. Heeeee's a bad dressing man that no one understands and he doesn't have a woman....Jack Shaft...and naw bruh we cain't dig it.
Ok, you can thank the great people at VH1 who created the "Black to the Future" segments for the above odes. But seriously, I'm relaunching the Honest Man's version of the Fashion Police aka the Straight Eye for the Straight Guy. The reason is simple: too many of you jabronis are out there perpetrating like what you got on is fresh but are too stupid to understand the basics of fashion. Let's strap on our seatbelts again, the Straight Eye's court is in session, and I'm handing out citations like you wuz Tupac
Fact #1 - You don't rock linen in Winter
I saw a dude rocking white linen in February. Let me repeat, he was rocking WHITE LINEN IN FUCKING FEBRUARY. I seriously wondered if he rode the short yellow bus to school as a youth. For the fashion challenged, it's pretty simple, you wear linen only in Spring and Summer. It doesn't matter if it's hot as hell on an unusual day in Fall and Winter. You do not wear linen. Period. Put that shit in your storage closet and wait until the first day of Spring hits. Otherwise, I'm purposely going to throw fruit punch on your pants and scream, YOU DON'T WEAR LINEN IN WINTER TRICK.
Hopefully me constantly repeating linen and frequent use of caps will discourage you. If not, Beware of Red Kool Aid.
Fact #2 - Dark versus Light suits...
Every man should have two suits in their closet. One for hot seasons, and one for cold seasons. For the former, you can wear dark, light, whatever, anything's pretty passable. But for the latter, it must be dark. I don't care how great those alligators go with that pink suit, you rock DARK suits in Winter time Killa Cam.
I was at a conference recently, where for the most part, the attendees did the right thing. But some dudes, oh my god, it was like I wanted to go into a nearby phone booth and do my Super Straight Eye to the rescue routine. Be like "My man, do you understand that shit you wearing is not seasonally acceptable?" Here's a dollar, buy a clue...Geez
Fact #3 - The art of matching
Straight Eye, thy arch enemy is Tacky Man and I'm stand in your way of elevating the confused from the second string to first string. Aw, where do I start? Ok, let's tackle business casual clothes first. If you rock a striped shirt, then your pants should have no stripes. And vice versa. Pretty simple right? You'd be amazed at how many co-workers I see fuck this rule up badly. But they swear on they mama's grave, their shit is John Blaze. Um no it's not.
Let's talk about the ties you wear with the right suits in the right seasons. If you wear a white shirt with a suit that has no pinstripes, the tie of choice should have some patterns in it. Stripes, circles, diagonals, whatever, most patterns will do. Now if you wear a striped shirt, then the tie, and the suit should be one color. Too many stripes makes you look like a zebra. And you don't want me throwing grass at you do you zebra?
This one, I'm not gon front I was guilty of not matching my clothes back in the day. Then I turned 6 and it was all uphill from there ;-).
Don't be that guy. If I catch you in a fashion no-no, I'm breaking out the cuffs, locking you up, and forcing you to watch a marathon of From G to Gents. And don't noooobody want to watch that.