Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Jeans Test

"Well it's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass" - Kenny Powers

Last month, I talked about how the snowflakes of the world are coming up in the bootilicious world. I wanted to come back with part 2 of my ongoing "Booty Call" entries but this time address a different subject. That's right my African queens, no continued discussions in this post about how Barbie is not far behind Beyonce in the ass department. This post is in fact about all women. And I felt I needed to address this subject because I myself have fallen victim to it and I suspect some of my my male readers have done the same. And that my friends' is the jean test!

What is the jean test? Simply put it's how you can truly determine if a woman's got an ass or not. Seems pretty straightforward doesn't it. Like a Homer Simpson Doh moment. Unfortunately, it's not always that easy to tell if a woman's packing junk in the trunk. I mean how many times when you meet a girl for the first time is she wearing jeans? Do you really even remember? Of course not. But I tell you what, you don't forget when see a chick that suffers from noassatall. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

I had a co worker that I had a small crush on. She was a little older than me but regardless, I thought she was beautiful. One of the things I thought was attractive about her was her body. She looked like she took good care of herself. And since she was a co worker, whenever I saw her she had pants or dresses on. One day I remember seeing her in black pants and was like "Van Damme!" her ass is bootylicious. Ironically a few days later, a bunch of us were hanging out at a sportsbar and she showed up wearing jeans. When she turned her body, I happened to catch a quick glance, and I was like oh hell no, what happened to her ass??? It's was like being in Nightmare on Elm Street, just a horrible horrible dream. I had been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray, lied to, etc. And that was the day I said, if I want to know if a girl truly has been blessed with "ass"ets, then I'm mentally giving her the jeans test.

Do you know how difficult it is to invest in that test? Think about when you see females rocking spandex, bikini bottoms, tight fitting dresses, and what not? I have to forgo my initial thoughts and remind myself, don't proclaim this girl a champion until she puts on some jeans.

Now what's made my test not so foolproof anymore is that they are making jeans to accentuate the ass. Like Apple Bottom jeans. Similar to what the wonder bra does for the washboard women of the world, Apple Bottom and similar brand jeans now create miracles for the flat challenged. It's disheartening really because it makes it difficult to distinguish fact vs fiction. But not to the point where I don't make educated guesses :-)

And for the women who are going "You full of shit Honest Man" calm down! Ladies I would advise you do the same thing for dudes. Trust me, reverse the roles, think about the scenarios and likely you'll find the same result. Of course they haven't invented the male version of Apple Bottom so chances are, your decision making will likely be dead on.

Today's Lesson

Don't be fooled playas. Do your homework, keep an open eye, and don't find yourself tricked by an illusion. And if all else fails, just go for broke and do the old school Humpty, just grab her in the biscuits...and doowatchulyke!

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